June 22 Reflection: I will keep my promise

"I will keep my promise." says the Lord. It may seem slow but God is working to make sure you will receive what He has promised. What may seem impossible will be made possible. In His time.

In my life... God promised to make a complete change for His glory.

From hating him, wanting to hurt him, strangle him, to embracing him with love... full of it.
From almost zero cash... to financial stability... Not at its fullest but much better and life is comfortable because we have more than enough.
From thinking about what the future holds, trying to open up my heart to be loved by another man if I do find Mr. Right, to opening up my heart again to the same Mr. Right. :) Naks!
From worrying about how he handles our finances, recently he gained back my trust on finances.
From bitterness towards my past, from childhood to adulthood, God used certain people to help me face them and heal fully. Moving on with no more bitterness. Just a great story as testimony on how He changes our hearts.
From feeling like a fraud to my own self... that despite my faith, I hide a part of me and can't let go, to finally letting go and God took it and threw it away and He set me free! This is beyond explanation. I am still in awe. :)
From family turmoils, anger circulates everyday in the house, to finally receive a father's blessing, to more patience and a big change in the atmosphere at home. Many times I noticed that instead of the usual lashing out, they are speaking calmly to each other... and so do I.

What's up in store?

-Leave and cleave for the last time... SOON :)

-Everyone in the family would go back to Him and all of us would live long and will spend eternity with Him.


I am amazed at how God worked in my life and the lives of the people around me.

June 20 Reflection: Guard your heart

In the middle of the night I was awaken suddenly for no reason... Then my heart felt clouded with the feeling of disgust in myself. The feeling of uncertainty, of negativity, of shame... My heart suddenly felt so dark, so depressed and all the other negative feelings just came over me... and when I was lured into the spiraling, hypnotic loop of worthlessness, the Holy Spirit whispered to me with an intense and alert voice "GUARD YOUR HEART!" and I quickly said "Yes, Lord!" and I started praying. I was alerted in a manner that takes you from being hypnotized back to your sane self. And I just prayed and prayed and thought about other things like what to do today, etc... Just anything to fight off the attack.

It's amazing how the darkness will try to steal away the joy in your heart. It tried to trick me again but the Holy Spirit came forward to remind me to guard my heart.

WHAT AN EXPERIENCE! And after some time, I felt joyful again. Ha-ha! My God beat you! 

June 18 Reflection. God cleansed me

As I got home, tucked my daughter to sleep, I reflected on God's ways in my life. It is true when God works in you He will finish it COMPLETELY. Got so amazed that upon declaration that I had been released from my chains something in me was taken away from me... That only thing that God had been reminding me to throw away from my life which I kept hidden because was too afraid to show it, too embarrassed to express to the Lord of my own miseries, God knew it and God wanted to fix it. In His amazing way things just happened in a way that I never ever imagined would happen. I faced my demon head on. I faced it and showed my fragility by accepting the consequence. By accepting ridicule. But instead of hate I was given love... such great love. And that love began the transformation.

Tonight I threw away that chain. I threw it in the ocean and its heaviness will let it go down into deep waters never to be seen again. I rejoice in the Lord! I can't stop my tears from falling. I rejoice! I am finally FREE!!! I can now serve the Lord fully!!!

May 21 Reflection

Letting God is easy... if we want something it is easy to say let God decide if it is for you or not. But before you can let God, you must let go first...and that is the hard part. We are used to making the decisions ourselves but to fully surrender that and let God, well... it doesn't seem so easy, right? It is still really a test of faith. How much do you trust Him? Do you trust Him enough to actually fully let go?

April 15, 2015 Weathering the Storm

Life isn't always beautiful. Sometimes depression and life's harsh realities still really get to me (it does quite often actually). I felt it was hard for me to pray but I chose not to let it bother me. I know God understands my pain and He doesn't need any words from me. I just lifted up my pains to Him, no words needed and I just waited and allowed myself to feel the pain. I hid myself in my own world again, chose to seclude myself and just push out everyone except my daughter. There were really hard days when I would just be lying down in bed and practically be unproductive. I felt guilty for it. I have a job and I needed to work but my heart and my body just wouldn't let me. I still couldn't pray with words but I just feel that my God knows my pains. I would listen to praise songs and just feel the song as it reminds me of God's faithfulness but the pain was getting stronger and stronger and I chose to stop fighting it... then suicidal thoughts came pouring in again. Felt useless. I was bothered with the realities of my life and I just felt really tired. I still couldn't pray but I already knew this was just going from bad to worse and I am suffocating. I am dying on the inside and I don't know how to push this depression out of my system.

Then God decided to step in.

I couldn't pray still but slowly, people started to reach me. A friend scolded me and it just reached my heart like it was stabbed. It was a pleasant stabbing experience though and I started to jump out of bed and started working. I became productive for awhile then the darkness decided to pull me down even more and I felt tired again and pushed everyone away again. I was just so sick and tired of this roller coaster! But God's faithfulness never fails and I continued to feel His presence. I allowed Him to still use me to reach different people... I allowed Him to just heal my heart... little by little I am able to get back on my feet. Little by little my eyes started to open and I was able to slowly see the light in my darkness.

It won't always be easy but I don't want to stumble and go back. I want to continue moving forward. I would hit a road block but I will never let go of my faith and I will continue to walk towards Jesus. He is faithful and His faithfulness never fails! I may fail Him often but The Lord never fails us.

Thank You Jesus for Your faithfulness. Thank You for making me feel Your love no matter how distant I got, no matter how broken I felt, You just waited for me to be ready to accept Your love again... again and again. I will continue to praise You Lord!

April 8, 2015- The Lord's light is all the light I need.

My orthopedic doctor bro in law once told me that I have an abnormal bone structure. From my flat feet all the way up. If we should fix all my skeletal problems it's going to be difficult. If only there's a way to just reformat it, it would have been better. From walking with a cane and having automated locked knees I have learned to deal with it. I now learned of a method to walk down hills with inclinations by walking sideways when before I do it inch by inch because my knees would automatically lock. When I walk and my knees would automatically snap to lock I used to fear it. Now I learned that the best method is to just kick your leg and the locked knee would unlock. No pain, just a snapping sound is all you'll hear and the kneecap would move from the side back to its normal position.

On top of that, my heart isn't in the best condition and well there are other health issues too. Physically, I'm a mess. My body, my soul and my emotions were a mess and they continue to bother me still. I have so many reasons to hate the world. So many reasons to hate this life of mine. So many times I wished to just not wake up the next morning. But, God had other plans.

So YES! We may pity ourselves for what we are going through. Life may seem so messy there's no way to escape it. It may seem so dark right now and perhaps it will continue to stay dark in your life but that shouldn't be the reason to just hate it. Learn to dance in the dark! The Lord's light is all that's needed.

So Yes! I am happy. Yes! I wish for long life. Yes! I rejoice!

April 4, 2015- God said Nothing is impossible

I've been feeling the past week that my relationship with God is failing a little. I felt a distance between me and God and I try hard to pray and worship Him. While worshiping, I feel closer to Him but when I'm done after awhile I would feel the distance again. I thought perhaps God is really upset with me. I started to doubt myself this week again. Doubt is really from the enemy. I doubted myself and felt unworthy of God's love for me. I am a sinner as we all are but that feeling of unworthiness plagued me because I made a misstep this week. I allowed negative thoughts again and although I know it was wrong to have those thoughts but I was too tired to fight it so I didn't. And all the more that I felt unworthy of God's grace. Then that's when I went downhill without me even knowing it.

That feeling of unworthiness, the doubt, the negative thoughts pulled me away from my God and I wondered what is God's answer for my cries... I never got any response from Him then it all went sliding down like a giant rock falling down a steep hill and I couldn't stop it. Then my relationships went downhill too. I started answering back to my mother then I also started to feel the fears for my marriage. I feared and I doubted and I decided, you know what? I think I need to move away from God for awhile. YES!!! I thought of that TODAY!!! I thought I needed a time out from God so I decided to skip the sunrise service tomorrow. I reasoned it's because my mom would take it against me again. Well, truth is, it's because I just want to move away for awhile. I felt hurt because God felt distant with me. I felt hurt so I thought I'd rather distance myself from HIM! God knows I was feeling this way. And you know what I realized? It is okay to sometimes feel this way. It's having an intimate relationship with Him, there are times we argue and we give each other cold shoulders but it doesn't mean the love isn't there anymore. We are just making the other person in our relationship know that we are hurting and we are crying for their attention. God did that and I did it back! But because God is the most amazing gentleman EVER, He wooed me back. He answered what I was asking for  when I no longer asked for it. I was already praying and feeling upset because of the arguments I had today but God answered what made me upset with Him in the first place. The unanswered question that plagued me and which I misstepped on. He answered me and He said Nothing is impossible through Christ. He answered it in such a way that is so spot on! I can't explain it further here because it is too personal but it amazed me. He knows exactly how to answer that question. AMAZING!

I will still struggle in my faith. Walking towards Jesus isn't easy. I hit several road blocks in the short span I focused and fell in love with Christ and I know I will continue to have a lot of struggles. But even so, I know my faith is strong enough to know what to do next as God will lead me to straighten my path again. He strengthened my faith enough on Christ that I know I won't ever lose my way. I can get confused yes but I won't ever lose my way again. Christ redeemed me. I have nothing to fear now! Christ be praised! Amen :)