April 15, 2015 Weathering the Storm

Life isn't always beautiful. Sometimes depression and life's harsh realities still really get to me (it does quite often actually). I felt it was hard for me to pray but I chose not to let it bother me. I know God understands my pain and He doesn't need any words from me. I just lifted up my pains to Him, no words needed and I just waited and allowed myself to feel the pain. I hid myself in my own world again, chose to seclude myself and just push out everyone except my daughter. There were really hard days when I would just be lying down in bed and practically be unproductive. I felt guilty for it. I have a job and I needed to work but my heart and my body just wouldn't let me. I still couldn't pray with words but I just feel that my God knows my pains. I would listen to praise songs and just feel the song as it reminds me of God's faithfulness but the pain was getting stronger and stronger and I chose to stop fighting it... then suicidal thoughts came pouring in again. Felt useless. I was bothered with the realities of my life and I just felt really tired. I still couldn't pray but I already knew this was just going from bad to worse and I am suffocating. I am dying on the inside and I don't know how to push this depression out of my system.

Then God decided to step in.

I couldn't pray still but slowly, people started to reach me. A friend scolded me and it just reached my heart like it was stabbed. It was a pleasant stabbing experience though and I started to jump out of bed and started working. I became productive for awhile then the darkness decided to pull me down even more and I felt tired again and pushed everyone away again. I was just so sick and tired of this roller coaster! But God's faithfulness never fails and I continued to feel His presence. I allowed Him to still use me to reach different people... I allowed Him to just heal my heart... little by little I am able to get back on my feet. Little by little my eyes started to open and I was able to slowly see the light in my darkness.

It won't always be easy but I don't want to stumble and go back. I want to continue moving forward. I would hit a road block but I will never let go of my faith and I will continue to walk towards Jesus. He is faithful and His faithfulness never fails! I may fail Him often but The Lord never fails us.

Thank You Jesus for Your faithfulness. Thank You for making me feel Your love no matter how distant I got, no matter how broken I felt, You just waited for me to be ready to accept Your love again... again and again. I will continue to praise You Lord!

April 8, 2015- The Lord's light is all the light I need.

My orthopedic doctor bro in law once told me that I have an abnormal bone structure. From my flat feet all the way up. If we should fix all my skeletal problems it's going to be difficult. If only there's a way to just reformat it, it would have been better. From walking with a cane and having automated locked knees I have learned to deal with it. I now learned of a method to walk down hills with inclinations by walking sideways when before I do it inch by inch because my knees would automatically lock. When I walk and my knees would automatically snap to lock I used to fear it. Now I learned that the best method is to just kick your leg and the locked knee would unlock. No pain, just a snapping sound is all you'll hear and the kneecap would move from the side back to its normal position.

On top of that, my heart isn't in the best condition and well there are other health issues too. Physically, I'm a mess. My body, my soul and my emotions were a mess and they continue to bother me still. I have so many reasons to hate the world. So many reasons to hate this life of mine. So many times I wished to just not wake up the next morning. But, God had other plans.

So YES! We may pity ourselves for what we are going through. Life may seem so messy there's no way to escape it. It may seem so dark right now and perhaps it will continue to stay dark in your life but that shouldn't be the reason to just hate it. Learn to dance in the dark! The Lord's light is all that's needed.

So Yes! I am happy. Yes! I wish for long life. Yes! I rejoice!

April 4, 2015- God said Nothing is impossible

I've been feeling the past week that my relationship with God is failing a little. I felt a distance between me and God and I try hard to pray and worship Him. While worshiping, I feel closer to Him but when I'm done after awhile I would feel the distance again. I thought perhaps God is really upset with me. I started to doubt myself this week again. Doubt is really from the enemy. I doubted myself and felt unworthy of God's love for me. I am a sinner as we all are but that feeling of unworthiness plagued me because I made a misstep this week. I allowed negative thoughts again and although I know it was wrong to have those thoughts but I was too tired to fight it so I didn't. And all the more that I felt unworthy of God's grace. Then that's when I went downhill without me even knowing it.

That feeling of unworthiness, the doubt, the negative thoughts pulled me away from my God and I wondered what is God's answer for my cries... I never got any response from Him then it all went sliding down like a giant rock falling down a steep hill and I couldn't stop it. Then my relationships went downhill too. I started answering back to my mother then I also started to feel the fears for my marriage. I feared and I doubted and I decided, you know what? I think I need to move away from God for awhile. YES!!! I thought of that TODAY!!! I thought I needed a time out from God so I decided to skip the sunrise service tomorrow. I reasoned it's because my mom would take it against me again. Well, truth is, it's because I just want to move away for awhile. I felt hurt because God felt distant with me. I felt hurt so I thought I'd rather distance myself from HIM! God knows I was feeling this way. And you know what I realized? It is okay to sometimes feel this way. It's having an intimate relationship with Him, there are times we argue and we give each other cold shoulders but it doesn't mean the love isn't there anymore. We are just making the other person in our relationship know that we are hurting and we are crying for their attention. God did that and I did it back! But because God is the most amazing gentleman EVER, He wooed me back. He answered what I was asking for  when I no longer asked for it. I was already praying and feeling upset because of the arguments I had today but God answered what made me upset with Him in the first place. The unanswered question that plagued me and which I misstepped on. He answered me and He said Nothing is impossible through Christ. He answered it in such a way that is so spot on! I can't explain it further here because it is too personal but it amazed me. He knows exactly how to answer that question. AMAZING!

I will still struggle in my faith. Walking towards Jesus isn't easy. I hit several road blocks in the short span I focused and fell in love with Christ and I know I will continue to have a lot of struggles. But even so, I know my faith is strong enough to know what to do next as God will lead me to straighten my path again. He strengthened my faith enough on Christ that I know I won't ever lose my way. I can get confused yes but I won't ever lose my way again. Christ redeemed me. I have nothing to fear now! Christ be praised! Amen :)

April 2, 2015 A dream message

Woke up this morning from a dream. In my dream I get to say all the things I wanted to say, pour out my heart on this person. Telling that person exactly how I felt... The emptiness, the fears, the anger, somehow also the disappointments I was feeling. In reality, I so wanted to do that just to unleash the hurts and fears I keep in... In my dream, I saw the person's face going from smiling to hurting and started to doubt self. In reality, this is what I fear. I can handle all the confusion that is in me but I can never handle hurting this person this way.

So glad to have had that dream. It is a great reminder for me. There are words of truth that you want to unleash because it's what you feel but you also have to consider someone is on the receiving end of it... Is that person really deserving of those words? Is that person worth feeling the hurt from your words? My answer is a big NO.

Christ knows our fears and our hurts and He is saying, bring it all to me. I paid for it in full. You need not fear anymore, let go of the hurts, but please don't hurt each other. Love... Such a strong feeling of affection. Love... it's what Christ has showed us when He died on the Cross. Love... Let it reign. Let it be the only feeling we focus on. Let us love... no more hate...

March 28, 2015 message

And God said "Enough!" And the darkness that continued to attack me the past days suddenly left. I felt it. All the stresses and hurts suddenly left my body. God said I am His and He is with me. Then I fell asleep with no meds... 5 straight hours of wonderful, peaceful sleep.

Unforgettable encounter with the Lord and His Holy Spirit 10pm March 27.

Finally after weeks/months of not being able to sleep well without medication, I finally was able to sleep and until now I never had any problem sleeping at night again. Praise God!!! :)

March 27, 2015 Morning message

"Good things are coming"

As I sigh about the latest happenings in my life. As I am so looking for a refuge for me to just breathe and have a clear mind then God whispered to me, "Good things are coming." And I thought for a moment, a bit wondering, then excitement floods my heart. YES! Good things are coming! Whatever those good things are, I'd be patiently waiting. Praying while waiting. Working while waiting. Praying for strength that I could handle all attacks the enemy throws at me as I patiently wait. As I wait I will continue to follow His directions for me. "Use me, Lord!" is the cry of my heart. Use me for Your glory. I will rejoice because You are with me! Yes, good things are coming! I rejoice in Christ Our Lord!

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This is a special day for me. I accepted God's ministry and for the first time I led a Bible study session. That night I felt the Holy Spirit's presence in my room. At first I thought there's a ghost in my room or something. It was that kind of feeling like somebody just wrapped his arms around me and small volt electricity was covering my body. But instead of being fearful I closed my eyes and just prayed. I prayed and allowed the Holy Spirit to be with me. I kept on praying. Praying and praying then I thought of something I wished to pray for that had been burdened me for decades. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with this problem in my life and I just breathe in and out praying and praying as I still felt the tingling sensation around my body then I spoke and words just kept on coming out of me while my mind was very active and wondering what on Earth was I talking about... It lasted for a few minutes and in my mind I was just saying "Thank You God, Thank You Jesus, Thank You Holy Spirit!" Yes, I spoke in tongues that night.

March 23, 2015 When I fought off anger in me and spoke kindness instead. I was victorious over darkness with this one!

Anger is the enemy of non-violence and pride is a monster that swallows it up.- Mahatma Gandhi

Holding off your steam when you're about to blow is hard to do but it turns out it really has its benefits. When you blow off steam because you're angry the end result is almost always regret. Why? Because we get to air out words that hurt the other and the effect can linger for a really long time. Words are really like swords and is really just one letter away from the sharpness of swords. I am indeed guilty of this and I almost destroyed what we worked so hard to try and build again. I am human so I do err at times. I am human and I do have feelings and I also do get angry and I can get really really angry. Thanks to one of God's angels for spending time to chat with me to clear my head and thankful that there was no phone call when I could have spread out rotting words that could tear down a soul. It took awhile... Took 2 days before I decided it is time to speak up... to speak up in kindness instead of wrath. And, I am glad. I did not break hearts and my heart also felt better.

March 19, 2015. My own public declaration... Throwing away my former image

I will praise You oh Lord even when it hurts... even when the darkness has marked me as its target. I will praise You oh Lord and I will stand in faith to declare for Your glory that God will lead me through all troubles. That I am not alone. Not anymore. I DECLARE THAT I AM A WOMAN OF THE LORD AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS SIDE AGAIN. I will worship You even when tears fill my eyes, even when my heart aches and breaks, even when my flesh decays, even when blood pours out of my body... I will worship You. I will glorify You even if I will lose it all. I can never go back. God has redeemed me. Christ has saved me. I praise You oh God. Through Christ Jesus I declare. I will not be embarrassed. I AM YOURS!

February 25 messages

While my heart wondered who could actually fill it up and make it smile fully... a song came to mind...

"All I need is You... All I need is You, Lord... is You Lord..."

"God will use your pains for His glory. Be excited, Lila."

smile emoticon This is a great night. Just reflecting. smile emoticon YES LORD! Mine would be an awesome testimony in the future yahoooo!!! Claiming it. Believing it fully!

February 22, 2015 message

Be faithful and be obedient... They go hand in hand. You have to be obedient to Him and follow His Words. This is what I fell short of... I always believed I was faithful to Him in my own ways but obedience, that's a different story. I usually had/still have my own reasons and think "God will surely understand" but we are supposed to be obedient to Him. He gave His Word to guide us and we should follow His Words if we are to be faithful to Him. You can't be faithful to the Lord and disobey Him... This is, in fact, a hard pill to swallow but it's something we Christians should do... Be faithful and be obedient.

January 23, 2015 message

God said, "Let me take care of you. I will work wonders far beyond your expectations." I am fearful and part of me wants to doubt His words but we are at this time when all we really want to do is just say yes to Him. Yes to everything He wants for us. I am fearful. We have our doubts but we lift all these to You. We will just watch how You work and we are saying YES!

Welcome to my blog! An introduction and background story

I created this blog for the purpose of documenting and also sharing about my joys, successes and struggles as I walk hand in hand with the Lord. I have accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior back when I lost everything. I used to say I already had Christ in me even before that but it was at that moment when I finally surrendered everything to Him and He paved the way for my healing. It wasn't a quick process but little by little the Lord redeemed me and made me whole again when I was broken and lost as I started.

I was just separated from my husband and I was also diagnosed with a heart problem so I can't stress myself too much. Before all these happened, I guess I can say I was so full of myself. I thought I don't need anybody really 'cos I can earn on my own, without a boss to boss me around. I just need a computer and the internet and I can earn well enough to give me all that I need in life. Even then I felt I was already faithful to the Lord but every time there is a need for making decisions, I made them. I didn't wait for Him to help me and guide me with what decisions to make, I just do it. My husband was a good match for me because he never challenged my leadership. I liked him because he was my follower. He will do as I say without him knowing that that's how it was in our relationship.

The turmoil in the relationship happened when I finally decided that being married to him I should make him the leader and I the follower. He made all the bad choices and I had no clue about them and all of a sudden the reality was slammed on my face and I didn't know what to do. Fast forward, we reached the point when future looked so dim. I didn't want to be with him because I fear he will only lead me to hell. It was a hellish life and I never wanted to experience that again. So I made the mistake. I asked him to leave me so he can face his hell that he created as I leave and save myself from it.  There are no more use for regrets. I believe it all needed to happen. It needed to happen to make me realize that without God and Christ as my Lord and Savior I really am nothing. He took everything away from me and all I really had then was my faith. It needed to happen to teach my husband that he should make good decisions in life because life is real. There's no rewind button and saying sorry won't fix things. That there are consequences to every decisions we make in life and he needs to learn to face them as a real man.  No one else, not his family nor I, can fix the mess he made.

1 1/2 years after we separated, through God's grace we are able to establish good friendship and eventually decided to try and make things work again. It was still just about him and me and of course for our daughter. But there was still one missing link, and it was Christ. He was the missing link in our relationship. God paved the way. He made our paths straight by adding Christ into the equation. I never thought then that we lacked Christ as much as we did. As I got to learn more and be immersed in church, the more that I realized we really barely included Christ into our relationship. As much as we want to deny it, our decisions were still made by our own mental capacities, our own stubborn minds were making decisions for us. When we added Christ into the relationship, slowly we see progress. Progress within ourselves, our relationships with Christ, God and the Holy Spirit, but most importantly, we get to see the good in each other again. Romance started to crawl back into our hearts. Little by little... small progress that never would have been possible... are now happening.

So, this is basically just an introduction. I wish to share more but this isn't really about what my life was like but really about the messages sent to me by the Lord so I could share them for others to reflect on. God is a wonderful God and He is so eager to help us we just really need to accept Christ as our Lord and Savior. Embrace Him. Listen to Him. You'd be amazed at how He works in YOUR LIFE!

Follow me on my journey. Get in touch with me. Let us walk towards Jesus together. God be praised!