Life isn't always beautiful. Sometimes depression and life's harsh realities still really get to me (it does quite often actually). I felt it was hard for me to pray but I chose not to let it bother me. I know God understands my pain and He doesn't need any words from me. I just lifted up my pains to Him, no words needed and I just waited and allowed myself to feel the pain. I hid myself in my own world again, chose to seclude myself and just push out everyone except my daughter. There were really hard days when I would just be lying down in bed and practically be unproductive. I felt guilty for it. I have a job and I needed to work but my heart and my body just wouldn't let me. I still couldn't pray with words but I just feel that my God knows my pains. I would listen to praise songs and just feel the song as it reminds me of God's faithfulness but the pain was getting stronger and stronger and I chose to stop fighting it... then suicidal thoughts came pouring in again. Felt useless. I was bothered with the realities of my life and I just felt really tired. I still couldn't pray but I already knew this was just going from bad to worse and I am suffocating. I am dying on the inside and I don't know how to push this depression out of my system.
Then God decided to step in.
I couldn't pray still but slowly, people started to reach me. A friend scolded me and it just reached my heart like it was stabbed. It was a pleasant stabbing experience though and I started to jump out of bed and started working. I became productive for awhile then the darkness decided to pull me down even more and I felt tired again and pushed everyone away again. I was just so sick and tired of this roller coaster! But God's faithfulness never fails and I continued to feel His presence. I allowed Him to still use me to reach different people... I allowed Him to just heal my heart... little by little I am able to get back on my feet. Little by little my eyes started to open and I was able to slowly see the light in my darkness.
It won't always be easy but I don't want to stumble and go back. I want to continue moving forward. I would hit a road block but I will never let go of my faith and I will continue to walk towards Jesus. He is faithful and His faithfulness never fails! I may fail Him often but The Lord never fails us.
Thank You Jesus for Your faithfulness. Thank You for making me feel Your love no matter how distant I got, no matter how broken I felt, You just waited for me to be ready to accept Your love again... again and again. I will continue to praise You Lord!
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