I've been feeling the past week that my relationship with God is failing a little. I felt a distance between me and God and I try hard to pray and worship Him. While worshiping, I feel closer to Him but when I'm done after awhile I would feel the distance again. I thought perhaps God is really upset with me. I started to doubt myself this week again. Doubt is really from the enemy. I doubted myself and felt unworthy of God's love for me. I am a sinner as we all are but that feeling of unworthiness plagued me because I made a misstep this week. I allowed negative thoughts again and although I know it was wrong to have those thoughts but I was too tired to fight it so I didn't. And all the more that I felt unworthy of God's grace. Then that's when I went downhill without me even knowing it.
That feeling of unworthiness, the doubt, the negative thoughts pulled me away from my God and I wondered what is God's answer for my cries... I never got any response from Him then it all went sliding down like a giant rock falling down a steep hill and I couldn't stop it. Then my relationships went downhill too. I started answering back to my mother then I also started to feel the fears for my marriage. I feared and I doubted and I decided, you know what? I think I need to move away from God for awhile. YES!!! I thought of that TODAY!!! I thought I needed a time out from God so I decided to skip the sunrise service tomorrow. I reasoned it's because my mom would take it against me again. Well, truth is, it's because I just want to move away for awhile. I felt hurt because God felt distant with me. I felt hurt so I thought I'd rather distance myself from HIM! God knows I was feeling this way. And you know what I realized? It is okay to sometimes feel this way. It's having an intimate relationship with Him, there are times we argue and we give each other cold shoulders but it doesn't mean the love isn't there anymore. We are just making the other person in our relationship know that we are hurting and we are crying for their attention. God did that and I did it back! But because God is the most amazing gentleman EVER, He wooed me back. He answered what I was asking for when I no longer asked for it. I was already praying and feeling upset because of the arguments I had today but God answered what made me upset with Him in the first place. The unanswered question that plagued me and which I misstepped on. He answered me and He said Nothing is impossible through Christ. He answered it in such a way that is so spot on! I can't explain it further here because it is too personal but it amazed me. He knows exactly how to answer that question. AMAZING!
I will still struggle in my faith. Walking towards Jesus isn't easy. I hit several road blocks in the short span I focused and fell in love with Christ and I know I will continue to have a lot of struggles. But even so, I know my faith is strong enough to know what to do next as God will lead me to straighten my path again. He strengthened my faith enough on Christ that I know I won't ever lose my way. I can get confused yes but I won't ever lose my way again. Christ redeemed me. I have nothing to fear now! Christ be praised! Amen :)
No comments:
Post a Comment